I was reading something the other day and it mentioned “the family you belong to” and seeing those words hit me like a brick. If you’ve been reading my blog, you k now I have lost all of my immediate family in the last eight years and have been feeling totally alone. The few relatives I have left are very far away and we have never been very close anyway.
Seeing those words reminded me painfully that I didn’t belong to anyone anymore. I’m twice divorced, never had children and have very few close friends. The ones I do have live elsewhere (something common when you’re dad was in the Air Force). So, I’m basically alone.
Which brings me back to not belonging to anyone. I just never thought about it that way until I saw those words. It brought a whole new wave of grief that I really didn’t need. After crying myself silly, I thought about it in a less emotional way…something not easy for me, but a habit I’m trying to develop.
What I realized is two things.
One, I would always belong to my family, even though they aren’t here anymore. I believe their spirits are still around and so they are “here” even if I can’t see them. So I do still belong to my family.
Two, I belong to one other person and that person is me. I belong to myself, now more than ever.
So, when we don’t feel like we belong to anyone anymore, it’s not true. We do still belong, if only to oursleves…and that’s something. They say that ultimately you can only count on yourself and as upsetting as that may be (it was for me) it can be reassuring too. If we can treat ourselves well, with compassion and kindness, then that’s one of the best companions you can have. We need to feel that we have our own backs.
I’m not saying this is easy. Even though I’ve been contemplating all of this for days, it is still not feeling totally comforting, but I’m working on it. Would I rather have others I belong to? YES! But I’m trying to look at this in a more positive frame of mind and the thought that I belonged to me is somehow a soothing balm.
If you’re feeling this way, be kind and loving to yourself. You belong to you and you deserve it. Much love to all of you.