I will admit to feeling very lonely sometimes and wishing there was another person in the house with me. For many reasons. It can be so hard to live alone and have no one to share things with or depend on.
In the “perfect world” picture in my mind I would have someone who loved me, cared about me, understood me and accepted all my faults and problems. But, this is not likely to happen. The world is not that perfect. So, it got me to thinking that sometimes it’s better to be alone.
I have anxiety/panic disorders and most people don’t understand them. So having someone around who didn’t would put more pressure on me and certainly not be helpful at all. I am grieving so many losses (most recently my brothers passing) and I need to be able to burst out crying if need be. This can get on others nerves and make you feel guilty about being so emotional.
Just trying to take care of myself is exhausting. Trying to take care of someone else at the same time would be overwhelming. Sometimes we are not good company when going through trials and tribulations and it is a relief not to have to be “on” for anyone.
I realized that I have nothing to offer someone else…and I don’t mean that in a bad way (or at least that’s what I tell myself). I have always been there for others and still am, but I am depleted at this point. I feel ashamed sometimes that I feel this way, but have reminded myself that we can’t always give. Sometimes we can hardly give to ourselves, let alone anyone else and that’s okay. We don’t have to save the whole world. Many times we are just trying to save ourselves and it can take all of our energy.
So, I may feel lonely a lot, but I also feel relieved too on some level. The next time you are feeling particularly lonely, think about the pros and cons of having someone around. The cons may outweigh the pros. It is often kinder to yourself to be alone and be able to cope the way you need to, without worrying about what effect it will have on someone else.
The one person I would give anything to have around is my mother. When she passed away, I lost my rock, my security, my safety, my best friend. But I am glad she doesn’t have to see me going through the problems I’m having now. Selfishly, yes, I would love to have her here to comfort me and tell me everything is going to be alright, which she had to do my whole life. But I am glad she doesn’t have to bear that burden anymore.
I guess when it is all said and done, we often times only have ourselves to count on, so being alone is a way to try to learn that and deal with it. I am trying to and I hope that all of you who are suffering are doing well with that too. I wish all of you comfort in the fact that we really aren’t ALL alone, in the sense that there are many of us going through the same thing. The one place we can be together is through sharing our stories on sites such as this one. We can support each other and feel less alone, with others who know exactly how we feel. So please leave a comment and tell me how you feel. I honestly want to know and I honestly care.